Life Just Started
by toverfaye
Summary: Effy's thoughts. She thinking about the past and about the future. How she wants things Or doesn't . Effily intended. Effy/Emily for the dummies. A quick drabble soon turns into a whole story.
1. Life Just Started

_**Story:** Life Just Started. _

_**Pairing:** Emily/Effy [Or the other way around ^^]_

_**Fact:** Nothing, but the storyline [Which it rarely has] is mine. The characters and other stuff all belongs to, well, someone who isn't me._

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I am lying here. On my back, with my face turned towards the big blue sky. The sun in shining brightly, which causes my to lightly squint my eyes. Even when I close them, I am not greeted with the usual darkness, but a red glow remains visible instead.

Music is blasting really loudly from my headphone and is,as a matter of fact, the only sound I can hear. I'm blasting and therefor blocking out any thoughts left in that little head of mine.

Trees are standing on both sides of the river. There is this one tree in particular that always succeeded catching my attention. It's a big tree with hanging leaves. Green - filled with life - sort of leaves. They are rather beautiful. The kind of tree you'd take several minutes looking at. Just admiring the way the leaves and branches move in the wind. The way everything seems to small when you're standing underneath the tree. That tree is my safe place. The place i come to, to just be me. And not the one everyone always expects me to be. The way they think i am just by looking at me. When i sit under the tree i always feel small. Like i am just this tiny creature on this big earth and not that more important than any other living being. I am that little thing you won't notice. The branches and leaves are positioned in a way it seems like they hover over me. Hovering like a umbrella and protecting me from any sort of rain [and pain.]

I am beginning to feel nauseous, but I doubt it is the waves crashing underneath me causing that particular feeling.

The big raft on the middle of the river is dancing on the water. That's how i think it feels. It's dancing with such grace. Grace you wouldn't find within any human. Humans are creatures who are actually not that special. That's what makes them so imperfect. Because we tend to believe we are better than we actually are.

And I hate it.

The way everyone thinks they are better. The way they all seem to think their way is automatically the right one.

When was the last time anyone has asked _me_ what the right way was?

I'm sure the last time was with my brother.

My hand reaches for my iPod and i turn up the volume even louder. These are thoughts i don't want to have in my head. I've spend too long thinking about him. Too many nights i've spend lying awake. Whether i was lying next to him, near him or in my own bed. My thoughts were always with him.

He was the one to make me wanna speak again, [although he was the one making me silent as well.]

This life goes by so fast. Many things happen and most people don't even realise they are living their life away. They just talk. The constant flow of words. Never, not even one minute it is absolutely quiet.

I still remember this one time we were sitting at the dinner table. My mother and father were in a heated argument and me and my brother shared this look. 'Why can't you all just shut up'. I can still hear his voice in my head. Clearly, through all the noise. I know i looked at him, smiled, decided to stop talking from that day on and i brought my fork to mouth to take a bite as both my mother and father stopped shouting and just look at Tony in astonishment. He could make everything better. Unfortunately he couldn't cure himself, though.

He was the one telling me all the stories about love. About the way he experienced it in so many forms.

I never really believed him. If you could hear his stories, he always had great ones, you'd think he was lying. He would tell amazing stories about him and his girl. He never really had the nerve to tell her what he told me, though. The stories, The ones that made me believe real love, love that doesn't hurt, exists somewhere.

I was a fool.

Now i know that kind of love doesn't exist. It only exists in the heads of the ones with the imagination. It only exist to those who can't or who won't face the truth. The truth that real love doesn't conquer all and that it's mostly just a road full of pain and misery.

Tony Stonem was a believer. An optimist as you might say. He believed in it. He fell for the idea. He fell for michelle. I, on the other hand, am not. I've never been that kind of girl that was always cheery, happy and beaming.

There were only a few people in my life who could make me smile. Tony was definitly one of them as is Panda. We're an odd couple, but we'll make it. We'll always make it 'till the end.

And then there's her.

She just has to walk into a freakin' room and i have a smile on my face from ear to ear. One word from her and my whole day would be sparkling.

I know. Nothing like Effy Stonem to all get love stoned, but too bad i soon got love sick.

When you notice the one you like, i'd go for the word love if i would have believed love existed, likes someone else you don't get to cheery. When you see them kissing someone you are not, you don't smile that easily. When you see them laughing at jokes not made by you, it just makes _me_ in an angry mood.

So here I am. Sitting on my own little raft being angry. Being angry at the world for not getting me. Being angry at her for not wanting me. Being angry at my brother for not being here. Being angry at the tree for not protecting me from this heartache i am feeling right now.

There was a time i thought that nothing could bring me down.

Well. I think that time has ended, 'cause since then three people have tried breaking my heart. And with succes i might add.

Damn you _Dad_ for leaving _us_. And Damn you _Tony Stonem_ for leaving _me_.

Damn you _Freddie Mclair_ for wanting me.

Damn you _Emily Fitch_ for **not** wanting me.

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_**Fact:** Don't be shy and tell me if you hated, loved, liked or disliked my story/drabble._


	2. I'd Hate You If I Knew How

_**Fact:** _

_It's not really a second part. I just wanted to write this and wrote it down [Obviously] but it really had nothing to do with chapter 1, when I started it. But when i finished it, I saw it could be a second chapter.  
Anyways, What i'm trying to say is that this could be a little one-shot as well or a second chapter to 'Life Just Started'. It's just what you like it to be.  
_

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Someone rests her hand nonchalant on a chalkboard. Nothing wrong here, yet. But, the moment she scratches her nails hard against the chalkboard, a screeching, loud and paining noise enters your ears. It seems like all the muscles in your entire body tense up and you cringe together. An unpleasant feeling spreads itself throughout your whole body. Trying to shake it off isn't helping. You just possibly can't shake it off. As a matter of fact, the feeling remains. The sound echoes in your head for moments afterwards and everytime you think about it, the feeling returns to your body. Like you're about to die, when you know it's just an annoying noise. It's nothing more than an annoying feeling, but it feels like it is killing you from the inside out. It hurts. Deep down inside. It hurts. Long afterwards.

That's how i am feeling. Right now. That how i felt Moments ago. That's how i will feel for a few moments longer. Days longer actually.

It's just - I can't even explain. It's like every time i hear her laugh, i am reminded. Reminded that I am not the one you are telling jokes to. I'm not the one you're dying to see. She's the one you're with. She's one that gets to spend time with you. More than i do.

Betrayed. That's how I feel.

I close my eyes and take a drag from my cigarette. My hair is half sticking to my face, due to the raining I was in a few minutes ago. When i was feeling just a miserable as i am now.

A few days ago actually, Katie asked me what was wrong and do you want to know the saddest part. I couldn't even give her a normal answer. I couldn't possibly tell her the truth. Even if i told her i liked someone i couldn't tell her it was wouldn't get it. She's a simple soul. She can't handle it when things change. You off all people know what i am talking about here.

She's a bit like Freddie. He went by my house today. He even bought me some flowers. Nice ones. But, then he asked me on a date.

Is it wrong? Is it wrong I turned him down, because i'm deep down still hoping you'll wake up one day and realize you're head over heels for me? Do you think I should apologize to him? Tell him it isn't his fault, but yours [for being so damn attractive]?

I know i broke his heart when i told him to fuck up and threw the door into his face, but what was he expecting. I had a big hang-over and i was still upset.

Maybe he should just hook up with Katie. That means I don't have to deal with both of them for at least a week, 'till Katie gets tired off him.

Anyways. I didn't even really had long the time to recover from Freddie before his supposedly 'best friend' showed up to 'do' me. Then JJ decided to show up as well. He told me he loved me, you know.

How come everyone decides he loves me except for you?  
Why do you have to be with _her_? Of all people. Why her?  
What does she has I don't? Part from the blond hair.  
What is it that she can do that I can't, because i'll be happy to learn it all for you.  
Whatever you need me to be, I can become.

I finish my cigarette so I grab another one and light it.

I'm sorry by the way for being such a bitch yesterday. I just had it. Her hand on your thigh, her lips this close from yours and her annoying laughter filling the entire room. I just lost it. Can't really say i enjoyed the party that much. Honestly, you are the one that made it crap. You and that stupid girlfriend of yours. I just proceeded getting drunk, ignoring you, taking it out on her and fucking some random loser in the bathroom.

Why can't you understand that you are messing everything up? You're the reason why _I_ am messing everything up.

I used to be the stable one. How come you can disable me that easy? Just one glance and i'm weak in the knees. Tell me, what is it that makes you so much more special than others. Tell me, so i can understand my own feelings, because i honestly don't understand them at all.

My cigarette isn't finished, but i'm getting tired of it so I throw it somewhere. Don't even care where. My hand reaches for the place where the booze was supposed to be, but i can't find it. I grab some spliff from my bag instead.

Do you see what you turned me into.

_A drinking, spliff smoking, drugs taking loser_ who's wasting her life away. 'Cause that's what I am right now. Being pathetic talking to you inside my head. As if i am ever going to have a conversation with you. As if i am ever going to ask those questions to you and yet i can't stop. I still talk to you as if you're really here. I told you i am pathetic.

I open my eyes even wider and gaze upwards.

I want to be fun, funny, loved and loving. Yet i am none of those. Otherwise i would have had you, don't you think. You ruined it for me. And i am actually doing my best to hate you for it, but you're making it really hard for me.

I'm so _screwed_.

I'm so _in love_.

'Effy?'

'Fuck.' I mutter under my breath. Suddenly you tower over me. A small smile is playing around your lips and i'm doing my best to smile back, though, i am not really succeeding.

'Please tell me you have a perfectly good reason to lay here in the middle of the street.'

I can't possibly say i'm hoping to be found by someone who'll take me as far away from Bristol as possible, because i can't handle being so madly in love with you anymore, so I do what i'm best at. I avoid the question with sarcasm.

'Aren't you supposed to be filling Naomi up right now.'

I say Naomi with such hate _i'm_ even startled for a moment, but i recover quickly 'till i see the hurt in your eyes.

'Do you really have something against her?' I know being honest won't help me in the slightest here.

'It almost seems as if you're jealous.' You comment casually, but it strikes me as a bomb. You walk around me and i hear your clicking heels creating distant between us.

'Maybe I am.' I whisper to no one in particular.

Suddenly the clicking of the heels stops and after a few seconds i hear them coming towards me. You take a halt when you're standing in front of me again. Towering over me, since i'm still lying on the ground, gazing up towards the sky.

For a second i'm afraid you heard my comment, but nothing in your face confirms that.

Instead you look as if you're having a major argument with yourself.

'Come with me to the party.' You finally say. It isn't really a question. You make it sound like a simple statement which doesn't give me much room to argue with you. Besides that, you've already extended your hand to help me get up.

I just look at the hand before you add: 'Naomi isn't going to be there.'

I grab your hand and pull myself up.

I quickly release your hand, but you link our arms. 'Do you - ' You look at me with a smile ' - Effy Stonem, promise to stop being grumpy, if only for tonight, to have a good time with me, Emily Fitch?'

I can't help but chuckle.

'I promise.'

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_**Fact:** Please Just give me an honest opinion. I just like the fact that people have an opinion about this story to begin with. Don't keep it to yourself.  
_


	3. Time Heals All The Wounds

_**Fact: **I so love [all of the] reviews. I seriously do. _

_**Fact:** I wrote this late at night when i was upset with my mum. xD Anyways. If it isn't that good, blame her! I already apologize in advance for any forgotten grammar and spelling mistakes.  
_

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People always assume we are friends. I don't even know why most people assume that. It's highly annoying and not accurate in the slightest. Just because we have exchanged a few sentences. Just because I am good at disguising my feelings [, in the most circumstances that is]. It doesn't automatically turns us into friends. I wouldn't even go as far as calling us acquaintances. I was probably the first one she told. The only reason she told me, was because i already figured that one out on my own. The only reason she talked to me was because i was the only one she could trust any secrets to. She didn't mind if i didn't want to hear any of it. She didn't mind if i was in love with her, at that time, crush. No. She only thought about her own feelings.

_Selfish bitch._

My hair is sticking to my face. My clothes are wet. My feet are extremely cold. My eyes are closed. My mouth half open. My arms hanging useless on both sides of my body. My head tilted so i am facing the sky. Rain is falling into it. Water is running down my face and dripping of my chin. A hand is making it's way up to my mouth so I can desperately take a drag from the spliff. Standing in the middle of a street. A car stops, honks it horn, sees i'm not going to move [Or react for that matter] and turns around again while hanging his head out of his window to sling all the curse words he knows at me. As If I haven't head them all before. My hands are shaking. My head is hurting.

And as a whole?

As a whole I can be described as an utter mess.

I know i've thought this many times before, but tonight i mean every word of it. Tonight I _really am_ an utter mess.

'Why is my whole fucking life so damn complicated!' I shout.

I shout it to no one. To no one, because of course there's no one left for me. Of course I don't have my someone. A person i'd actually would feel comfortable enough with to talk to. Not anymore. I used to have Panda, but now she belongs to Thomas. I'd like to have Emily, but she naturally belongs to Naomi. The only one i guess i have is Katie and she isn't really someone you'd want to share your biggest secret with.

How come in the ens I always end up alone. Tonight being no exception.

Have you ever wondered why everything in this whole world is changing, yet you are the one staying completely the same. Not changing one bit. Though, everyone you ever spend time with, everyone you ever shared a spliff with, everyone you've ever been drunken with, everyone else has changed. Everyone but Effy. You're still the same Effy Stonem everyone loves to hate or just hates to love, but everyone else have broken out of their shells. They turned into someone better. Someone more likable, someone bigger than they used to be.

-

I've been standing outside of the club for a while now. The music is still blasting, still making it's way into my head giving my headache an extra boost.

I've left the club approximately 30 minutes ago. I just felt like suffocating inside there. The walls were slowly coming closer, trapping me in a room i couldn't escape from. A room in which i'd be forced to watch her dance. A room in which the rolls were reversed.

It's weird. Most people complain when they can't be themselves, but in my case i think i've never been really myself and that is completely fine with me. Most people don't know that the moment you open up, you are also opening up to the possibility of getting your heart broken. Why would i want my heart broken. That's why it is better to put on a big act. That way no one knows how to take you down. That way no one knows what your weak and soft spots are.

Hurt is the one thing everyone is afraid of. Everyone is trying to avoid it any way possible and if they are already confronted with it they do their bests to ease it. To ease the blow. I've learned to protect myself since i was little. Since i got beaten up in the playground for being different. Since some the first time In had sex. Since the first time someone abandoned me. Just like everyone else i don't like hurt. I just decided to deal with hurt in a different way than others.

_Pain heals faster when it is left alone. _

Everyone was in the club tonight. Everyone except Naomi. Apparently they got into this huge fight and that's why Emily decided to go on her own. When Emily confessed to the fight with Naomi and i had to suppress the urge to smile, I felt like the biggest loser in Bristol.

All the others, though, were already shaking their asses on the dance floor by the time we arrived . Whereas Emily immediately joined the others on the dance floor I stayed behind. I watch her go. Watching Cook checking her out, whispering something in her ear and even though she responded with a slap on his arm she had a huge grin on her face.

Someone took a halt next to me, but i don't turn my head to see who it is.

'Weir' I hear a familiar voice say. 'Seeing her in the middle of the attention like this.' I look to the dance floor and see Emily dancing in the middle of all the people looking more beautiful than she ever looked in probably her entire life. She's beaming. 'Normally you'd be standing there and Emily would be standing where you are right now.' I feel Katie nudge me and when i finally turn my head to look at her, I just see her shrug her shoulders. 'I guess times do change,' she adds before joining Emily on the dance floor.

That's when it hit me.

They've all changed.

Panda's less bouncy, Thomas has become more English, Katie and Cook are less sluts, Freddie's less pathetic [Although, still a little], JJ's becoming more normal with every day, Naomi isn't afraid of other people's thought anymore and EMily isn't the doormatt she used to be.

That leaves me.

I'm the still barely speaking, afraid of commitment, incapable of loving, always observing and mysterious girl slash loser.

I throw the spliff against the wall as hard as I can, but that has absolutely no impact of course. It reminds me of myself actually. How I don't have any impact anymore on anyone's lives. I can deny Freddie love everytime he shows up, but he'll just learn how to move on. He won't die of it. I can deny Cook sex, but hell just find someone else. I can be a bitch to Naomi what I want, but she won't lie awake because of it. I can tell Emily i love her, but she'll just shrug her shoulders and go straight back to Naomi's arms.

I tangle my hands up in my hair.

Chills run through my entire body.

Suddenly a jacket is wrapped around my shoulder.

'Borrowed it from JJ.' Emily's smiling face appears in front of my, what must look like a devastated and messed up, face.

'Do you ever wonder who'll miss you if you'd die right now?'

Emily's surprised and even shocked expression turns, after a long silence, into a smirk. 'Do you ever wonder why you're so weird?'

_All the time._

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_**Fact:** Just tell me what you think about this story/chapter/drabble. It's really easy. Three words for you:_

_Big Green Button! ^^  
_


	4. Gotta Secret, Can You Keep It

_**Fact:** Not having to go to school everyday is a blessing. Partying everyday is heavenly. Having upset parents, just something i learned to deal with a long time ago.  
_

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'Monday Sucks.'

The sentence you hear in many forms, and mostly, surprise surprise, on Monday mornings.

'I don't like Mondays - Monday mornings suck - I hate getting up at Monday - Why is there even school on Monday? - Can't I just stay in bed on Monday? - Does it have to be Monday?'

And here I am, sitting in the middle of all of this, shaking my head disapprovingly. Because unlike all the others I've always enjoyed the Monday mornings.

There are actually three little simple reasons making the Monday less suckish than all the other days seem to do.

People are still having hang-overs from the weekend, so they are finally quiet for more than 2 minutes. Teachers are too tired, so they don't pay that much attention and neither do we. And the biggest advantage Monday carries with her, is the fact every little mistake from last week seem smaller and smaller 'till they actually seem to disappear.

Every mistake you have made last week can be redeemed, corrected or ignored if not forgotten.

To me it's like a new beginning. A new beginning means new chances. New chances means a clean slate. Anything can happen.

So here I am. In the same position I was when I took my seat in this boring English class. Arms popped up under my chin supporting myself and just staring lazily ahead. I'm listening to all the others discussing there weekends. I'm watching everybody do there thing and guess what. The teacher decided it was time for a good discussion.

_In pairs._

Of course i am being paired up with Freddie. You should have seen his face when the teacher called both our names. His face literally cracked up. It wasn't a smile appearing on his face, but a big black hole.

He stumbled my way, almost fell, stuttered a sorry to JJ and then finally managed to take a halt next to my table, just smiling like an idiot.

It all led to this position we are in now.

He's sitting next to me, his arm brushing slightly against mine and glancing my way every 30 seconds to see if i have any type of reaction.

I keep my expression blank as i stare ahead, waiting for the teacher to assign all the other couples.

'I know you don't talk that much, so if you let me, I'd be willing to do all the talking.'

He talks to me, and i bet over me, as if he knows me. Like everyone else does. Thank god for Panda sitting on the other side of me, because if it wasn't for her Freddie would be boring the shit out of me.

She's talking to me about some weed she and Thomas sold at some random Party.

'A whizzer, Ef. Super Duper fun.' She claps her hands excitedly every few seconds. She has been doing that since she started with the story until she finally sighs and just drops her arms to the both sides of her body.

'He's such a dream.' she exclaims suddenly, waking me from the trance i seemed to slip into.

She goes on about Thomas and about how awesome he is and all i can think is: Why don't I have someone like him? Someone to go on and on about 'till someone gets annoyed.

I just focus on a brown spot on my table 'till a voice emerges from the blur that's the class.

'Emily Fitch and Noami Campbell.'

I sigh. Loudly.

A grinning face appears out of nowhere and I don't even know how she manages it, but in no time Noami appears to be sitting at Emily's desk. Maybe it's just my imagination doing the work, but somehow Emily doesn't seem so thrilled about the teacher's choice. To team them up.

'Ok. I'm going to assign two couples to each other and you need to work together. You are going to come up with a provoking statement. Then you are going to decide which one of the couples is going to agree with it and which one is going to disagree. That's where the discussion begins.'

He says it as if it is rather exciting, but the whole class sighs as they wait, again, for their names to be called.

'I want Effy and Freddie to work with - ' He quickly scans the list until his finger lands on, 'Emily and Naomi.'

Of course something like this was bound to happen. I start cursing the teacher, because what else can you do in this situation than blame someone. Freddie on the other hand jumps up, grabs my hand and literally drags me to the other side of the classroom, where Emily and Noami are seated. I grumble, but go with him shaking his hand of in the process.

'I'm so glad we got paired up with them. Everyone knows Naomi is a good discusser. It's going to be rather exciting, don't you think.'

I nod.

It's all I do.

Ever. Again.

I just stand there as I watch Freddie taking a seat on the opposite of Noami. The only chair left is on the opposite of Emily. I look at her, but she's just looking at her table wrapped up in her own thoughts. Noami is watching her and Freddie is grabbing his notebook from his bag.

'Why can't we talk about this?' Noami whispers only loud enough for our table to hear.

'Because we can't, ok. We just can't.'

Noami bends her head even more towards Emily, but all Emily does is backing away.

'I don't want to be here. I don't. I need to get away.'

Her head pops up and she quickly scans the room. Like Freddie did a couple of minutes ago, she jumps up, grabs my hand and drags me to the other side of the classroom. She opens the door with her free hand, because the other is still holding mine, and pulls me outside.

My hand is soon released and Emily's walking pace is picking up quickly, until the moment it isn't walking anymore, but running.

I'm just running behind her, keeping up.

Outside she let's herself fall in the still wet grass. She starts to shake.

At first i think she is laughing, but when she turns around and her mascara is all over her face I notice she's crying.

I let myself fall next to her and the moment I do she wraps her arms around me.

'Please don't let me go right now. Please just don't.'

'We've never chosen to be born so why should we live with the consequences?'

A small chuckle escapes Emily's lips, even though i was being deadly serious.

'You're deep you know that. And yet so simple.'

Now it's my time to chuckle.

'I'm a lot of things, but simple has never once crossed my mind.'

She sighs and holds me more tightly. My arms clumsily wrap themselves around Emily's shoulders.

Have you ever felt out of place. You were somewhere and you felt like you weren't needed there. Like it didn't matter if you leave, 'cause nobody would miss you anyways. Right now i feel like i am in the rightest place i've ever been the past couple of months, I can even go as fas as years, but still there's something off here. Not for Emily and not for the fact I'm outside with her, but the fact she's the one that needs comfort and I am the one trying to give it to her.

Everyone knows i am not the most comforting person. If anyone isn't, it's me.

I tend to make the situation worse just by being my unexplainable me.

I tend to make the worst comments at the times i should be quiet. I tend to do the wrong things at times i should do nothing. Or I do nothing and it is just as bad.

So, I feel out of my comfort zone here.

Did you know that most people are incapable of admitting something to themselves, let alone someone else.

Like, you have an argument and you know you're right. You just think you are. While you are talking you know you made a mistake, you know you weren't right, but actually wrong. Many people can't just say: 'I was wrong. You were right.'

Like, you're in love with someone you aren't supposed to fall in love with. Many people refuse to admit to themselves they are, just because people are the worst people in admitting something.

What's even harder? Admitting feelings you aren't supposed to have, Admitting feelings that are not really the nicest ones, Admitting feelings towards someone else, Admitting feelings you should have, Admitting feelings in general

Jealousy for instant. The most feared emotion by far. No one wants to be jealous, but everybody knows everyone is jealous at times.

I think that's what makes me so different from others. I know what i am feeling and yet i don't want to know what i am feeling. I show what i am feeling and yet i don't want to show what i am feeling. I never do what i want to do, because if i do i show the real me even though i am sure everyone is the same somewhere inside and the idea of being unique is just a misconception.

I make things confusing. I make things mysterious. I make things 's the image I am. That's how others see me. Not as the girl who wraps her arms around you and makes it all better.

'I'm glad i dragged you out of that room and not Freddie,' Emily admits to me after a long silence.

'I'm glad you see me differently than others.'

Emily releases me and lays back with her face up towards the clouds, placing her arms underneath her head. I do the same. Elbows touching.

'I never wanted this to happen you know.'

'Some things are inevitable.' I whisper softly. 'Some things are inevitable.' I repeat.

'Maybe me and Noami weren't right for each other after all.'

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_**Fact:** Opinions are welcome. I didn't think it's the best i've done, but it is something. ^^  
_


	5. The Last One Standing

_**Fact:** This is it. This is the end product of nights spending with my eyes wide open thinking of everything going on in my life and not being able to focus on what's really important. [Believe me when i say more is coming when i get my groove back xD]  
_

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'Do you remember?'

I press my index finger against the cold glass. A cold feeling suddenly hits me. Leaves me gasping for air. The shivers running up and down my spine are being ignored, though and my focus stays on the object standing in front of me. My finger still lingering on it. I press the finger slightly harder and i can almost hear the thick lay of dust crack underneath it. I lift my finger and on the top of it a small dust mark is visible. I pick the object up and start rubbing it quit brutally with my upper arm. While doing that i get the dust all over me, but i don't really care. Don't really mind.

'Because I do.'

They are barely whispers, but somehow the whispers sound like yells in a house as quiet as this one is. A yell. A scream. A shout out, perhaps. But a shout out to whom actually?

To you?

Most likely.

'You.' I empathize the word by rubbing my index finger gently against your cold "cheek".

You are the one I'm needing the most right now - Not saying i didn't miss you every moment of the day before now, because that I certainly did. With all the intensity my aching heart could handle. You always knew how to solve my problems. You knew how to make me feel better without even saying a word. Without both of us saying a word.

So why aren't you here to help me? Why aren't you here to save me from myself?

When i open my mouth slightly to yell, say something or just take a deep breathe and sigh - I hadn't really made up my mind about that yet - I taste a salty tear on my lips. I squeeze my eyes shut and tilt my head slightly upwards to prevent any more tears from rolling down.

I hate crying.

I absolutely loath it.

I just can't stand it, because only then I can't mask what i am truly feeling. Only then i am forced to let people in, even when i don't really want to. Only then I'm not capable of lying.

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_**Fact:** I'm having a major writers block right now. It's like i can't translate anything that comes up in my head to the paper [Or computer in this case].__  
Working on a little Katie story i have in mind. Not having any progress at that as well.  
Blaming everything happening in my life. [TooMuchPressure!]_

_Do Complain/Leave an opinion/Share your [un]spoken love for Skins  
_


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